Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not racist. Trust me on this, despite the next sentence (and the fact that everyone says that before saying something racist). When I hear someone speak in a foreign accent in a public place, I immediately distrust them. This isn’t a deep-seated, unshakeable hate based on a recognition of their culture; I don’t think that they’re awful at all. I just suspect that they’re probably doing something as bad as me.
Above: Me, fearfully contemplating the motives of accented individuals.
A couple of years ago, Aysha and I were walking around town (back in the days before P-plates or full licenses; we probably didn’t even have our L’s) when for some reason we decided that it would be funny if we adopted chav-like English accents. We ordered food, visited shops and traversed the streets while speaking with these Pommy inflections, maintaining character as slightly stuck up tourists who thought that everything “Aussie” was adorable.
We had a great time doing this; it was nice to be doing something different in a town where you generally have to know how to make your own fun or else suffer severe boredom. However, because of our adventures that day, I lost a little bit of faith in humanity.
It took quite a while for this to happen. It wasn’t until at least a couple of years after our pretend accent day that I developed my paranoia. Everything changed when I moved from our home town to Adelaide, the capital of South Australia. Back home, some of us think that the local bus is a myth and they just have bus shelters and schedules to mess with us. It is rarely sighted. In Adelaide, however, I rely on public transport almost every day. This means that I spend a lot of time in close proximity to complete strangers.
Not pictured: A bus
During these trips I’ve listened to many conversations of others. Well, ‘listened’ is probably the wrong word. I’m not that creepy; it’s just hard to miss when I’ve forgotten to take earphones every day for the last year and a half. Hence, I’ve heard many exchanges between many people (some of the more bizarre ones may be posted here in future).
Because I’m a Paranoid Parrot, I find a lot of reasons to freak out when I’m around strangers. But perhaps the number one cause for my suspicion is people speaking in accents. I just can’t convince myself that they really hold that accent and aren’t faking it for some purpose. This would generally be fine, because I’d think that they were just an idiot like me who had a stupid idea of fun. However, I’m more suspicious of people now that I live in the city, and assume that they have a darker motive for such an innocent activity.
“Why hello, I’m an attractive young heir to a chain of bookstores in England. Why don’t you complete your journey in my private car?” (Note: you can’t trust anyone with a moustache (to be discussed in a later article))
It might seem strange that I'm so doubtful of other patrons of AdelaideMetro, when really, myself and Aysha are the only people I know for sure have ever done this. Surely, everyone else should be much more suspicious of me?
Nothing suss.
Maybe most other people just have more trust in humankind. Maybe they just haven't seen or heard some of the stupid things that I have, such as these:
- Guy I've never seen before, to me: "Hey. I haven't seen you on here in a while."
- Drunk, shirtless, fat man, to everyone: "I WAS IN NEW YORK TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE TRADE CENTERS FELL."
- Numerous high school girls, to each other: "Like OMG, I can't wait to go to X. Oh, unless Y is there, what a slut. Did you hear about her and Z?..."
- Drunk guy with a slight Scottish accent, to his mark: "I'm actually a descendant of royalty. My family could have held on to power, but they fled for their own safety."
Okay, never mind. I think I've solved the mystery of the origins of my mistrust.
OMG SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT
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