English Mansions and Woolooloo

I’m horrible at introductions. Really, genuinely horrible. Usually I’m a firm believer in “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. After spending fifteen minutes trying desperately to come up with an opening sentence, however, I suddenly became a firm believer in “just accept defeat and never try to write an introduction again”. So, if you could just imagine I’ve done an awesome introduction, I’ll get on with telling the story of the Three English Mansions.

One day, my friend Emma and I intend to own Three Mansions somewhere in the English countryside. One for me, one for her, and one for parties and guests. But we aren’t just sitting around hoping that someday Mansions will just fall right into our laps (I imagine it would be horribly painful if they did), we have plans as to how we are going to get these mansions. 

Plan One: Marrying Money

Someday I will move to London. When I do, the following will happen:

I’ll be perusing a bookstore, when a young, handsome employee asks me if I need a hand. I smile and tell him I’m fine.

“Nice choice,” He says, noticing that I’m holding a copy of The Phantom of the Opera, “The book is very different from the movie, though.”

“Oh, I know. I’ve read it before,” I explain, “I mean, I love the movie, but I definitely prefer to book.”

He smiles, approvingly, “I totally agree.”

After chatting pleasantly for a few minutes he asks me to meet him at a nearby cafe after his shift, and of course, I accept. Then of course, we fall in love, and he confesses to me that he is actually the wealthy heir of that chain of bookstores.

We get married and buy mansions.

"What are the chances of two people who enjoy reading meeting in a book store! CLEARLY ITS MEANT TO BE!"

Plan Two: Writing About Marrying Money, Which Leads to Marrying Money

I turn Plan One into a novel and recruit Emma as my publicist. We then go on a publicising tour. While giving a reading in a London bookstore, I notice a young, handsome employee is listening to every word I’m reading, even though he’s meant to be unpacking new stock. After my reading, he introduces himself. We fall in love and I soon find out he is the wealthy heir to that chain of bookstores.

We get married and buy mansions. Emma can also buy a mansion with the money she makes from being my publicist. 

Plan Three: Bellies That Sing Woolooloo

Emma invents musical belly-button-rings that sing little tunes when you roll your belly. The first to be invented will be for Emma, which will sing “Woolooloo”. They’ll be a hit! Imagine all the things you can do! You could break awkward silences, you could confuse strangers, you could… Um… Well, that's about all you could really do. I guess they are kind of useless. But if things like Snuggies and Twilight can be popular, I don’t see why Emma’s useless invention can’t be.

Lots of money is made with this invention and we buy mansions.

"So anway I was talking to Lars and he said..." *Woolooloo* "-Did... Did your belly just-" "Yup."

Of course, nowadays most of our plans somehow end up with us buying mansions, but these three are the originals and (believe it or not) probably the most likely (our plans can get pretty out there).

Remember at the beginning when I said I was horrible at introductions? Well, the same goes for conclusions.

Instead I’ll just give you a picture of a Happy Apple Wearing Shoes: Shoople Happy.