Introduction: The Quackening

Welcome to our blog. I'll try not to waste too much of your time with boring introductions, but some is necessary for this to make the smallest hint of sense. Hello. My name is Emma, and you'll soon be meeting my colleague, Aysha. I think she's awesome, and we've been friends for years now. If you don't agree with me, you've probably been a victim of her evil phone, which tries to corrupt all of the messages she sends with sexual innuendo.

But already, here I am rambling. How appropriate, as this is sure to be one of the staples of this blog. Another crucial element will be elaborate hypothetical situations; in part, this blog exists out of my scientific curiosity as to whether there is anyone out there as nonsensical as us.

And so, to find out, I introduce you to our first tale, the namesake of this blog, The Hypothetical Ducks.

“I float because I’m made of wood, not because I’m a duck.”

On Monday night I sent off an expression of interest for an acting role in an upcoming movie. After doing so, however, I began to question whether the operation was entirely legitimate, after googling the name of the movie and discovering that it already existed (note 1: I am well aware of the concept of "remakes", but this movie was filmed only two years ago, and in the same city. What are the odds? (note 2: I really like parentheses)).

I voiced these fears to Aysha, who was immediately concerned for my safety. She asked me, "Oh god! What if they kidnap you and force you to marry some norwegian fellow who smells of goat and you have to spend the rest of your life knitting jump suits for a small wooden painted ducks! YOU COULD DO SO MUCH MORE THAN SPEND YOUR LIFE KNITTING WITH LARS SCHPEELDERDECK! SO MUCH MORE."

 Here’s the sexy beast.

I grew worried for my fate. Aysha's concerns were something I hadn't considered. I suggested to her that I could take my boyfriend, Kostas (of twofingerscroll.blogspot.com), to the audition with me, to ensure my safety. However, Aysha misinterpreted my reply, and believed that I would take Kostas to Norway with me. She questioned me as to what purpose this would serve. After much discussion, Aysha and I have established the following plan:

·      I will be kidnapped and taken to Norway by Lars Schpeelderdeck, yet will somehow smuggle my boyfriend along as well.

·      Upon arrival, I will explain to Mr. Schpeelderdeck that his plan is both flawed and illegal. Wooden ducks have no need for jumpsuits. They are wooden.

·      I will then negotiate a pay rate, and in return I will knit jumpsuits for ducks, but only for real ducks. It's about time somebody did something for them, instead of pandering to the whims of stupid, wooden ducks.

·      Then, I will synthesize a drug that causes Kostas' facial hair to grow at a(n even more) rapid rate.

·      I will routinely gather Kostas' facial hair for materials with which to knit the duck jumpsuits.

·      With my wealth from this business venture, i will buy a minimum of one mansion in England, and buy out the paracetamol manufacturing industry.

Thank you for sticking around until the end of this post! Tune in again soon if you want to know why ownership of English mansions and the control of paracetamol manufacturing are important results of this plan!

 PS. I apologise for the illustrations. I only worked on them until I got bored, not until they got good.